Bible Laws So Twisted Even Churches Ditched Them
From slavery to stoning, the “Word of God” is full of practices modern churches quietly bury.
If Christians actually lived by the Bible word for word, the modern church would look more like a medieval freak show than a Sunday service with coffee and donuts. The truth is, the Bible is stuffed with practices that believers today would find barbaric, insane, or just plain gross. Yet, instead of admitting the book is a patchwork of ancient nonsense, they cherry-pick what feels nice and bury the rest.
Slavery - God’s Favorite Workforce
The Bible does more than tolerate slavery. It regulates it! In Exodus, Leviticus, and even the New Testament, you’ve got rules for how hard you can beat your slave, how long you can keep them, and how to sell your own daughter into servitude. Paul even tells slaves to obey their masters as if they were obeying God.
Fast-forward to modern Christianity, and suddenly slavery is “a tragic misinterpretation.” No, it’s not. It’s right there in black and white. If Christians believed every word was God’s law, they’d be running holy slave markets on church grounds. Instead, they pretend those verses mean “servant” or “worker.” Nice try.
Polygamy - Bible Heroes With Harems
Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon—they all had multiple wives, concubines, or both. Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines, and God didn’t exactly smite him for hoarding women like action figures. Polygamy wasn’t just allowed; it was normal.
Today? Try marrying two wives and showing up at church. You’ll get kicked out faster than you can say “amen.” The same Bible-thumpers who yell “marriage is between one man and one woman” are worshipping patriarchs who treated women like cattle. That’s called hypocrisy, folks.
Child Marriage - Because Why Wait?
The Bible never sets an age for marriage. In fact, girls were often married off as soon as they hit puberty. Numbers 31 is even worse: Moses orders soldiers to slaughter Midianite men, women, and boys—but keep the virgin girls for themselves. That’s not me paraphrasing; that’s scripture.
Yet, modern Christians act like the Bible is some kind of handbook for wholesome family life. If they followed it literally, youth group would double as a dating pool for middle-aged men.
Blood Sacrifices - God’s Barbecue
Before Jesus, the whole system ran on slaughter. If you sinned, you killed a goat. If you wanted to thank God, you roasted a lamb. Blood was currency. Leviticus is basically a butcher’s manual.
Christians today wrinkle their noses at animal sacrifice, but their entire theology is still built on it. Jesus is just the “final sacrifice,” the human goat who supposedly ended the system. Problem is, the Bible never stopped saying blood is the way to please God. Christians just outsource it all to one guy and call it a day.
Stoning People - The OG Cancel Culture
Adultery? Stone them. Working on the Sabbath? Stone them. Talking back to your parents? Stone them too. The Bible hands out death sentences like candy. Whole crowds were supposed to join in on smashing heads with rocks.
Modern Christians? They wouldn’t dare. Imagine your pastor telling you to chuck rocks at the teenager who mouthed off at mom. Even the most hardcore “Bible literalist” isn’t dragging a bag of stones to church. Yet they still insist this book is the ultimate moral guide. Yeah, okay.
Women as Property
From Exodus to Corinthians, women are treated like second-class citizens, if not outright property. In Deuteronomy, if a man rapes a virgin, he just has to pay her father some silver and marry her. Consent? Not even part of the conversation.
Today, most Christians like to claim they “honor women,” but their book doesn’t. The Bible makes Handmaid’s Tale look progressive. If Christians really took scripture literally, women wouldn’t be teaching Sunday school, much less running corporations or countries.
Holy Genocide
The Israelites didn’t just fight wars—they wiped out entire nations on God’s orders. Men, women, children, animals—dead. It was a divine extermination program. Joshua and Moses were basically running holy war crimes with a “God told me so” sticker on top.
Modern Christians are embarrassed by this. They’ll say, “That was the Old Testament, it doesn’t apply anymore.” Oh, so God was a genocidal maniac but then calmed down later? That’s not divine wisdom. That’s a split personality.
No Bacon, No Shrimp, No Fun
Leviticus has a laundry list of banned foods: pork, shellfish, fat, even mixing dairy and meat. You weren’t holy unless you ate like a picky toddler.
Modern Christians? They shovel down bacon cheeseburgers at church potlucks and wash them down with shrimp cocktails. Ask them why they ignore those verses, and they’ll mumble something about “Jesus fulfilled the law.” Translation: “We like bacon too much to give it up.”
Witch Hunts Without the Witches
The Bible literally says, “Do not suffer a witch to live.” That’s Exodus 22:18. For centuries, Christians took that to mean torture and burn women alive on suspicion alone.
Today, witches are more of a Halloween costume than a threat, and Christians will swear those verses don’t apply anymore. But they did apply when churches used them to fry thousands of innocent women. So either the Bible was wrong then, or it’s wrong now. Pick one.
Hypocrisy Is the Real Religion
Here’s the point: Christians don’t actually follow the Bible. They follow a watered-down, sanitized version that fits modern values. And thank God for that—because if they followed it literally, the world would look like a cross between The Handmaid’s Tale and Mad Max.
But instead of admitting the Bible is a messy, contradictory relic, they twist themselves into knots pretending it’s perfect. They ditch slavery, polygamy, genocide, and witch hunts, but keep just enough verses to bash gay people or keep women “in their place.” That’s not morality. That’s cherry-picking with a halo.
Before You Go
The Bible endorses slavery, polygamy, child marriage, genocide, ritual slaughter, and treating women like property. Modern Christianity rejects all of that. Which means one of two things: either the Bible is not eternal divine truth, or Christians are full of it. Honestly? Both sound about right.
Read all the way? Good. Now tell me in the comments—what’s the most twisted Bible practice you think Christians are sweeping under the rug?